The Sword and the Shield
by Seripithus
Summary: Rina Quixot is a knight of the Jedi Order. She joins forces with Ibonar Aurell and Kira Carsen in their fight against the Emperor himself. Along the way, she meets a medic who does more for her than tend wounds... Spoilers for JK Act II!
1. The Shield

_**Author's Note**: Headcanon for my newest Jedi Knight, Quix Aurell. If you've followed some of my other SWTOR stories, she's apart of the same family. She's not Aurell through blood, though. She's Ibonar's adopted sister (like he doesn't have enough sisters already). This is my means of adjusting the story to fit for two Jedi Knights in one legacy for my own headcanon/fanfiction/drabbles. Credit goes to fandombutterfly on tumblr for helping me with the idea!_

ξ

**THE SHIELD**

There was once a time in which I was afraid to step into the precipice and let myself fall. But things are different now, and I know who I am. The Force guides me, but it is not my sole base of power. I channel the Force. I am one of its mediums or vessels, but I am not bound by it. I am not fearful of falling one way or another. I am willing to make difficult decisions, even if those who taught me about the Force guided against it in my early years of training. I do not desire serenity or passion. Those are too far from my grasp. They are too far on either side of the spectrum.

Out of all the things in the galaxy I could have, all I wanted was a family.

I had no family. No living family, at least. There was my master, a Miraluka like myself who taught me how to use Force Sight for combat situations and everyday living. She taught me how to defend, not to provoke. Her name was Melria Solverion. She taught me the basic tenements of the Jedi, of the Republic, of what I would possibly expect in the future throughout the galaxy. But my training was cut short.

Master Solverion was called away, sent away to Alderaan in my later years with the Order, when I was about to become a knight, and I understood what her duty was. But when I felt her presence leave the galaxy to join the Force while I myself was on Balmorra, offering aide to resistance soldiers alongside Republic troops, I felt that emptiness choke me with physical pain. I forced myself to step away from the heat of battle and forced myself to meditate on it for hours. Eventually the pain faded away and was left with determination. I wanted to do my part and I needed to move beyond these simple missions and make something for myself. Master Solverion would have told me that I needed to watch my ambition and my eagerness.

I wasn't the only padawan to lose a master during these difficult times. She was the only family I had then. But we never called it family. It was just a bond. A simple bond, that's all.

Despite the initial failures of the Republic on Balmorra, I was offered a medal for my heroism − I saved a band of Republic soldiers and civilians from annihilation against a Sith. When I returned to Tython, I was promoted as a knight of the Order for my actions. I was offered my own ship to navigate the galaxy, but I declined. I preferred traveling with civilians. I left for Alderaan after that, half-wanting to avenge my master who died there, half-wanting to continue her work, and half-wanting to reconcile my grief.

I worked on Alderaan, serving as a bodyguard of House Organa for two years. I received a few commendations for my service and an honorary rank in the Organa military for fighting back House Thul. When my services were no longer needed, as the Organa military could solely take over in Alderaan's defense, I returned to Tython requesting reassignment. It was at this time that serious trouble stirred. Initially myself and several other travelers, Jedi and non-Force users, were not allowed to take the shuttle from the orbital station to the planet's surface. There was news about some sort of crisis that I was not informed of. You see, there was severe trouble hovering in Tython's atmosphere. An Imperial Destroyer with weaponry that most padawans and even some masters could not fathom orbited the planet. It was technology that could destroy not only civilizations but planets as well.

By the time the crisis was solved, everyone on the orbital station buzzed with curiosity and confusion. Rumors spread quickly. Accurate news did not arrive from the planet to the station as com channels were shut down for security reasons. The shuttle ride was a long, dreadful one, as most Jedi returning to the planet were suddenly overcome with unusual worry and impatience.

News spread much quicker on planet. There were two Jedi who returned to Tython, not simply as knights, but as heroes. A dangerous piece of Republic technology had fallen into the hands of a Sith Lord who wanted to destroy the Jedi home world. They were the ones that the padawans whispered about. They were the ones who saved Tython in its hour of need and vulnerability. They saved what I considered to be home. Saved it from the negligence of the Republic and the mal-intent of the Sith. For that I am grateful.

But I did not expect what later happened. As I write this, I feel things that the Force never could provide. To others, non-Force users, they would have called it a stroke of luck or a golden opportunity. I was told that the Force brought people together. I am very thankful for what transpired.

We were all gathered around the entrance to the council chambers, waiting to congratulate and give thanks to the two Jedi who would always be remembered as the heroes of Tython. There were rumors about the two, some more exaggerated and unrealistic than others. The rumors said that Master Ibonar Aurell was a student who joined the Order in his later years and was trained under the now-with-the-Force, Master Orgus Din, a veteran of Coruscant. Others said that Master Aurell's padawan, Kira, was an ex-student of the Korriban Academy. Others said that the two were romantically involved.

The stories people can tell. I later learned that most of these rumors were in fact true. The question of whether they were romantically involved at the time was something that I did not try to explore. It was not my business. They did their jobs and they did them well, and even now I especially am not in a place to offer judgment.

I'll admit that I was a little surprised when the council chambers opened and I was asked to come inside by Master Satele Shan herself. I was beyond honored. She asked me to wait in the back of the chamber while the meeting continued.

I expected for the two of them, Master Aurell and padawan Kira Carsen to be bitter after several years of war and battle and tribulation. They had just seen the Republic at its worst. Seen each other at what they would later decide to be some of their lowest moments. But they saved Tython. They saved thousands of lives that day, and only they knew how many more beyond that. They were heroes. Padawan Kira Carsen was made a Jedi Knight thanks to her master's approval and the admiration of the council. I could not imagine how honored they must have felt. But they simply smiled at the grand masters and bowed their heads with humility.

Master Shan then addressed me and asked that I come forward. "This is Knight Rina Quixot," she began.

I turned and bowed towards the two Jedi, my expression stoic and serious. They bowed in turn, with expressions that read a mixture of calm and suppressed excitement.

"Now, Knight Quixot, a few of the other council members and I have a proposition for you. We were previously discussing a mission that may serve as an opportune use of your talents, given your skills in front-line combat and knowledge of Imperial battle tactics on Balmorra."

"Of course Master Satele, you know I'm more than willing to serve wherever I'm−"

"Yes, we know. Please, let Master Tol Braga here explain what is being asked of you. It is not a decision to be taken lightly. "

I nodded and clasped my hands behind my back. I turned my attention to the master who immediately spoke after.

"I am organizing the strongest and brightest minds in our Order to take the battle against the Empire directly to the Emperor himself in a secret strike team. I am looking for Jedi who do not know the meaning of failure, Jedi who are willing to make sacrifices. It is a top priority mission and it must remain as quiet as possible if it is to succeed." He paused. "Those who are in support of this mission are already looking for holes in the Emperor's protection. We know that there is an ancient Imperial fortress orbiting Dromund Kaas. It is hidden by a powerful cloaking device."

"It is from this fortress that the Emperor rules his people." Master Shan added. "Not even the highest ranked Sith know of its whereabouts."

"But we are going to find where this fortress is, storm it, and seize the Emperor and bring him to the Light, in front of the entire galaxy."

"You don't dream small, do you Master?" I asked with a momentary spark of humor.

"Bringing peace to the galaxy is never a light task," he gestured towards the other two Jedi standing beside me. "We have already spoken with Master Aurell and Knight Carsen, who have agreed to take part in this mission. I am requesting your help as well. You and Master Aurell are the greatest Jedi that the Order has seen in generations."

I stood stunned by his compliment. "W-well, you humble me, Master Braga. I'm honored that you hold me in such high esteem, but I only do my duty−"

"Holding off Imperial soldiers and Sith on the Balmorran front lines alongside the Resistance for as long as you did is remarkable. We may have not succeeded in pushing back the Empire in the short run, but in the long run you boosted morale for the Resistance. Standing as a palladium against the Sith, saving the lives that you did was no easy task. Your work on Alderaan, bringing House Organa into power is a significant step towards ending the civil war on that planet and bringing stability again."

"Thank you." I bowed my head.

"With you both working side by side, I have foreseen success. You both are masters of your separate lightsaber techniques, you with the defensive Soresu form and Aurell with the power of the Juyo form. You are a shield while Aurell and Carsen are swords. A good balance."

"Yes, the rest of the council agrees as well. We have discussed this matter with Master Aurell and Knight Carsen, and they think it will be for the best as well." Master Shan explained. "You will travel together on the Defender. We have taken the liberty of upgrading the Defender's equipment for this mission. The first assignments involve finding the Emperor's whereabouts. The targets for the technology required are Balmorra and Hoth. You will have contacts on-planet."

"I'll gather my supplies and I'll be ready to leave as soon as possible." I stated to Master Aurell.

"We have also outfitted the Defender with new rations and armor for all three of you. There is cold weather armor that is upgraded to provide protection and flexibility while you are on Hoth. Your T7 droid can come as well, Knight Quixot."

"We'll contact you when you are in Balmorra's orbit." Master Braga added. "On Balmorra you will be meeting with an older member of our Order as well as some members of the Resistance who will help you organize your strike against the Sith at the same time."

ξ

"I'm sorry to hear that." Master Aurell stated. He looked at me with honest empathy. "I know what it's like to lose a master. It's never easy."

I nodded and offered a small smile. "It's... it's partially why I went to Alderaan as soon as I became a knight. I felt compelled to complete her work."

"Which I think you did in more ways than one." Kira added with a smirk. "When we were there, the problem with House Ulgo was essentially over and in recovery."

"Thanks, I appreciate hearing that things were still going well there."

"And so Balmorra was after Alderaan?"

"Yes, it was. I was there for about two and a half years. We had to hold up the Balmorran Arms Factory for as long as we could. The Sith and the Imperials overpowered us, eventually."

"You held the line. You saved civilians. You did what needed to be done."

We then walked off the elevator into the hangar. The three of us walked up to the large Consular-Class Cruiser, the Defender, standing boldly in the large expanse.

"I think T7 should already be here. I sent him here to find his way into the cargo area of your ship. That little droid likes his technology."

"What droid _doesn't?_"

I nodded and smiled. "So is it just the two of you?"

"Yep, that's correct." Kira added, but she rolled her eyes. "Unless you include C2-N2, Annoying Human-Cyborg Relations."

"Annoying? Does he talk a lot?"

"A little too much, if you ask me."

"Maybe I can take a look at him."

"You know how to work with droids?" Ibonar asked as the three of us stepped onto the landing ramp. A moment later, the airlock door opened and we stepped inside after the air had decompressed.

"Only the basics. T7 needs his parts upgraded now and then, and when you're out and about in the galaxy with an astromech droid, you have to know how to repair him."

"Maybe you can look at C2's motivator. Maybe turn his excitement function a little down?"

Ibonar laughed, but I stood confused. "Droids don't have an excitement function−"

"It's a joke," Kira patted my shoulder. "Thank the Force they don't."

ξ

They really were an inseparable team, Kira Carsen and Ibonar Aurell. They were good people fighting the good fight, people who certainly wanted nothing more than to rise above their station and leave−to finish their business and retire somewhere more quiet. Somewhere calm and collected. I was honored to be offered the ability to stand alongside these users of the Force, to see how they wielded it and in turn, learning from them and their experiences.

In some ways, it was the family I desired. We certainly never called it that, family, but it was something close, something real. I liked to think that we were more than comrades. Maybe we were bonded through the Force somehow. I did not know much about relationships and the way the Force affected them at the time.

I will admit that I was completely surprised by the closeness of the two Jedi at first. I had seen other padawans in what they claimed to be love, but what I saw was something different. While the padawans engaged in hasty relationships, these two enjoyed a much healthier one, albeit a relationship built upon humor and snark. They enjoyed the other's company, and I gave them their privacy.

My relationship with my new comrades was much more informal, though not casual, than anything I had ever experienced before. They did not share a typical master/padawan relationship. If anything, those were just words to them. They seemed more as youths who finished their training at similar times, though from what I knew about Kira, her promotion was delayed because of her past. Ibonar helped her overcome that stigma.

I think Kira appreciated having someone else to talk to. While Master Aurell and T7 tinkered with the ship in the lower level, Kira and I sometimes sparred or meditated together, while we were on our way to Balmorra. C2 would sometimes interrupt our sessions, unfortunately, with updates about our arrival. It took only two days to get to Balmorra.

Our mission always came first, however, and we discussed it over our two main meals. Given what I knew about Kira, I was not surprised to hear of her eagerness towards defeating the monstrous entity, the Emperor. I knew it would give her peace of mind. She expressed hope that justice would be served. Ibonar hoped the same, with as much enthusiasm, if not a little more. While Kira and I were skeptical about the possibility of bringing the Emperor to the Light, Ibonar solely believed in that part of the mission. We never asked why. There was something to his feelings, but we never asked.

I did not feel as worried as I perhaps should have been. I knew the difficulty of the situation, but I had no idea of what it would truly entail.

It required traveling to Balmorra, first of all. Balmorra was one of the places I dreaded, as it was the first place Master Solverion let me travel to alone as a padawan. I was one of several Jedi who arrived on the planet to aid the Resistance and to fight the Empire secretly. I saw plenty of troubles there as a padawan. I saw oppression and indifference towards suffering. I saw corruption. I saw political outmaneuvering. It was a shock at first. But Master Solverion always reminded me to have faith, and I needed even more of it when I felt her pass in the heat of battle. So I did what was necessary. The military rewards didn't mean anything to me. The promotion was an sign of merit and coming of age to a degree, but my master was not the one to give me the rites.

Balmorra didn't sit well with me. But the mission came first. It always did. It had to come first. I had to keep focused, even when being focused became difficult because of a certain... someone. I certainly couldn't be distracted, not now, not with the mission at hand−

But that was before a certain someone chose to challenge that by calling me probably what I would now call the beginning of my "damnation," as some would call it, all because of one word. Sweetheart.

Now, I'm not one for pleasantries in conversation. I always prefer to get to the point. My lightsaber sometimes echoes words I never could express. I'm not a diplomat. I'm just a shield, I'm just a soldier. Sometimes I don't call myself a Jedi, sometimes I call myself a warrior, and that can turn heads, because some Jedi don't like that word. Some think the word "knight" suits me well. It's not that I'm not able to hold a conversation for long, because I can, if and when the dust has finally settled and it's just me and someone else. Some people think I'm not smart or that I'm not as quick as others, but it's nothing like that. I just don't have a need to express my, well, it isn't exactly intellect, but thoughts, I suppose, to the galaxy. I keep those reserved for one person and one person only.

"Sweetheart" is something I never expected to be called. The sweet part especially, because I'm more brute and brawn than what I guess the word sweet draws upon itself connotatively. Kira later told me that that's what flirting is, or can be, from people like Doc − the sweet-talkers, people she warned me of. I didn't even know that he was flirting with me, and I wouldn't have known had it not been for Kira explaining it to me when I asked her after the first instance. She explained the idea of "pet names" to me. She has a "pet name" for Ibonar: "tough guy." He really seems to like it when she calls him that. But I was raised amongst the Miraluka and then the Order, where flirting (and more), if it took place, occurred behind closed doors, if anything. So I didn't really catch the whole "flirting" bit.

But when Doc, a Resistance medic, called me sweetheart, I actually started to laugh. I found it ironic and too humorous. He tried the same stunt on Kira, but Ibonar stopped him dead in his tracks. Doc must have picked up the hint and didn't call her sweetheart anymore. Instead, he constantly called me "sweetheart" or "beautiful," instead of my name. I'll admit I giggled each time. It made me feel special. Kira's warning fell away from me quickly enough. I thought it was innocent enough to play along with it.

The light-heartedness faded quickly enough. While Ibonar and Kira infiltrated the Okara Droid Factory, I helped with the Resistance as best as I could. I helped escort supply shipments, droid parts, tools, equipment, weaponry, whatever needed to be transported and protected against both Imperials or colicoids. There was one instance in which I saved Doc's life on a medical convoy from the front lines. He, being a medic, was a mostly defenseless target while he took care of wounded soldiers. It was on one of these convoys that a sniper tried to fatally kill Doc from a lookout in the hilly mountainside while we passed through a canyon. With my attunement to the Force, I am sometimes able to see things that those with regular eyesight cannot. I saw the blaster shot zooming in the air, and I managed to push Doc out of the way, taking the hit in the left side of my chest.

He immediately insisted on taking care of me, and in my adrenalized state, I told him that I didn't feel the pain, that I was alright, because in that moment, I really did feel alright for the most part, or at least immediately after. But I guess both the wound and I started to look pretty bad according to Doc. I didn't look down at my armor. This time though, he didn't use any "pet names;" instead, he essentially ordered me to get in one of the convoy AT's, as I profusely started to bleed out. When he finally forced me to lay down on one of the cots besides a couple other resting soldiers, he apologized for what he was about to do. I didn't understand his humor at all.

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm apologizing for this." And then he started to open my armor, taking off the metal platings around my waist quickly, piece by piece in order to remove the dented and shattered pieces to access the wounded area. The armor didn't cover the breastbone sufficiently. The metal plating here was scorched. The blaster fire pierced through it. I stared up at him and grabbed his arm, in order to stop him. Suddenly I wasn't comfortable with this. He placed my hand back down by my side and told me to relax.

"I have to do this."

A few moments later, the armor was gone and placed elsewhere in the AT, and with only the thin under-cloth temporarily remaining, he cut the top part of it and tore it apart with a sufficient tug. Without even bothering to say anything else that he possibly could have been at that moment in time, he started to tend to the gaping wound.

Even in my half-delirious, half-conscious state, I still blushed profusely, though I would never know if it was from the rush of blood to my head, the wound, or something different. It was the first time someone other than myself saw the white breast binding, but now it had absorbed the blood from the wound. My head started to pound and throb. I clenched and clasped my hands into fists as the world began to spin. Doc noticed this.

"Hey, Quix, don't you fade on me, alright? Stay afloat with me." I felt my eyes begin to loll back, the eyelids heavy, my grasp with the Force fluctuating. I heard a muffled voice far off, something yelling at me, telling me to hold on. Then I was out cold.

ξ

"Hey Doc, she's waking up."

"Alright, alright, give her a little space. The medicine's wearing off. Hand me a kolto pack, will ya? I'm going to redress the bandage."

My vision through the Force was weak, and I could hardly see. Everything was dark, blurry, and no definite shapes took form. My body ached, especially my shoulder. I heard a voice and it eventually began to take upon the slight nuances of a voice, inflection, and a calmness to it. As consciousness grappled with me, I felt the wound from sometime before's presence, and I clumsily reached a hand up to where it hurt. He sat down beside me and moved my hand away.

"Hey, hey, sweetheart. Calm down. You'll mess with the bandage."

"What's... what are you talking about?" I said out in a low voice slowly.

"You took a sniper shot for me."

"And the convoy?"

"Made it just a couple of minutes off schedule. Nothing too big. The other soldiers are being tended to as we speak. How're you doin'?"

"It hurts, but I've had worse."

"Bragging about your battle scars now, are you?"

"When you've got 'em, flaunt 'em."

"'Atta girl." I saw the outline of his jaw shift, and I knew that he was smiling, if not grinning.

"I've got a kolto pack here if you want to rest for a little while longer."

"What?" I ask, as I bounced back out of a momentary daze. I wasn't sure if I had been caught staring at him, though I suppose he wouldn't have known given the lack of eyeballs, but I indeed was − I was looking at the outline of his face and jaw through the Force.

"I said that if you want to rest a little while longer, I'll put some kolto on it, and that should ease the pain enough for you to sleep."

"I feel alright." I slowly sat up and rubbed my shoulder while doing so. I rested my weight on my left arm. I felt smooth skin on my shoulder blade, but then a few brush strokes later, I felt the cloth of a kolto-wrap.

"You sure sweetheart?"

"Think so." I shrugged slightly. "Back when I was stationed on Alderaan, I used to take sniper shots often, you know? House Ulgo had all of their elite hunters and trackers. Sometimes could take four or five shots before they took me down. I pushed through the pain."

"You know that's a bad idea, right? You can permanently hurt yourself."

"Yeah, well, when you're storming a fortress full of guards on all sides, targets pointed all over your men, and you have to lead them into it, you can't stop to smell the daisies over a kolto pack. So I just would take a shot of kolto, only one, and I'd keep going." I laughed. "They actually called it a 'Quix Fix.'"

"You use stims?"

"Of course not. Don't need to get addicted to those things. Plus, I've got the Force on my side. The Force gives me strength, you've probably heard all of that Jedi jargon before. Why would I need a stim when I've got the best source of power credits can't buy?"

"Even if I tried to count all the times I've heard a Jedi brag about the Force, I'd have to borrow the entire Resistance's hands and feet. Probably some of the Imps' hands as well."

I grinned and he laughed a little, until his jaw relaxed again.

"So, uh," he began in a much more serious tone of voice, "thanks for taking the shot for me."

"Don't worry about it, you know? That's my job. Ibonar and Kira run in sabers blazing right behind me, while I cover them. I wield a saber decently, but not in the techniques that those two know of. I can take more nicks and shots and jabs than them, probably. While they take down their enemies quickly, I wear mine done, should I ever be in a one on one duel." I paused and tried to meet his gaze as best as I could. "Besides, you're the best medic the Resistance has right? Couldn't let the Imps take you down."

"A Jedi, willingly fueling my ego? Aren't you guys against pride?"

"Not all Jedi are the same."

"Yeah, I suppose you all aren't." He smirked and stood up. "Let's just say 'ole Doc owes you one, alright? How's that?"

"You don't have to pay me back for saving you life."

"Well, that's what I do, alright? When you think of something that I can do, let me know." He paused for only a moment, before he leaned in close, his lips hovering over my ear, "And I'll do anything, Rina."

My cheeks inevitably flushed. Before I even knew what I was doing, I leaned in closer to him, searching for his−

That was until I bumped into his head.

"Hey, hey, slow down. What're you trying to do there?"

Now I really felt embarrassed. For a moment I was speechless. There are only a couple of moments in my life that I can recall where I stumbled with my own words let alone was speechless. This was one of them. "I... well, I uh−"

I saw his jaw flex into a wide grin. The outline of his face, seeing his sudden excitement was more thrilling than I imagined. "Sweetheart, you got to go slow, ease into it carefully, else you'll bump heads."

And before I could stumble out another response, in almost the same swift move, his lips met mine and his hand reached up and clasped my neck gently. As silly as it sounds, my skin fluttered and tickled. I had never been kissed and never had my neck touched in such a way before. His lips encouraged me to join in, to mingle in dangerous waters, and to trust him most importantly. I wasn't thinking at all, but I leapt across that precipice and joined him by pressing my lips tentatively against his.

It ended before I knew it.

"See, beautiful? Slow and steady." He stood up and patted my shoulder. "Consider it a get-well-soon kiss."

ξ

It didn't take long for the confusion and unsettling feelings to seep in. In fact, they rushed in only moments after Doc left inside of the small med-bay tent I was in. I kept asking myself what I was thinking. The answer was this: I wasn't. The only solution to the mass of strange and conflicting feelings that I didn't know how to grapple with was to meditate, something that I only did on occasion, when I was desperate. I didn't like to meditate, in general, as I was one for action, getting a job done, and saving lives. Meditating didn't solve problems for me, but I was desperate. I needed it.

I knew the Jedi code and I honored it, but only so far as it was necessary. I know Ibonar struggled with finding a reconciliation between the passion of battle and the stoicism of the Jedi. The Jedi code made working with soldiers of the Republic Army difficult, as at times they didn't understand the downfalls of seeking vengeance, the dangers of becoming too blinded by hate for the enemy. Trying to reconcile these feelings with civilians was even more difficult. Thus, my task was to protect and save lives, in order to prevent these whirlwind feelings. Though I could sympathize with loss and grief, I always had to put the mission first, because that's what a soldier does...

Some call the Jedi powerful heroes or fearless soldiers, but as I meditated on these thoughts, I felt the singes of cowardice, I felt the residing sensation of his lips upon mine − wait, what was I doing? Certainly not thinking at all... But could I not argue that I was brave for doing something I had never done before? I stepped into the unknown. But I wasn't thinking. A double-edged truth.

I worked alongside Doc and the Resistance for about three months, while Ibonar and Kira gathered intelligence on the power generator that would allow us to infiltrate the Imperial headquarters, find the plans we need, and perhaps win Balmorra for the Republic. But the Resistance wasn't just against the Imperials. There were also the colliccoids, large, nasty bug creatures that are meat-eaters. They reminded me of the Geonosions and the Killik hives. There was the wildlife, excluding the bug creatures, also, that we needed to worry about. The terrain was precarious, as snipers lurked all over the mountainsides and rocky cliffs, perched and ready to take their shots. Little could be done to prevent the sniper attacks. The only thing one could do was to pay attention in canyons and near these dangerous zones and, in my case, remain attuned to the Force.

But how was I supposed to look at Doc again? Well, at least I didn't have to actually meet his gaze, perhaps we wouldn't mention it again, perhaps we wouldn't even bother bringing it up, perhaps it was nothing to worry about, nothing to be concerned with. Maybe it didn't mean anything at all, maybe I could just brush it off, not even think about it again−

I jolted out of my meditative state as I felt a hand placed on my shoulder.

"Quix?"

I turned my head towards the sound of Kira's voice. I sensed her Force signature. A mixture of the Light side of the Force and a small smidge of darkness, though I could not decipher what this darkness resulted from. It didn't concern me. I moved out of my meditative position and stretched out my legs, gesturing for her to sit down.

"I just wanted to come and check up on you. Ibonar and I are going to need your and Doc's help for the next few parts of the mission."

"Well thanks for stopping bh. I'm just meditating. Sometimes it helps my body relax after it's been battered a bit." I hoped that she didn't catch the small white lie.

Her body spoke differently. I saw the outline of her eyes move in what probably was a quick eye-roll.

"Yeah right, you and I both know that we aren't the kind of Jedi who get much out of meditating." There was a small hint of humor in her voice. "What's on your mind?"

I hesitated. Kira sat down beside me in the small med-bay tent. It came down to so much and so little in that moment. What harm could there be in asking an older Jedi, an older woman, at that, about a simple incident that was now bothering me? Maybe she could set me straight.

"You know Doc, right?"

"You mean Doctor Sweet-Talk? Yeah, of course I do. Can't get him out of our hair. Ibonar set him straight with us." She paused and I saw her brows narrow. "Wait, he's not still giving you trouble, is he? That man just screams trouble. He's a walking hormone."

"You think so?"

"He may be a good medic, but he'll do whatever he can to sneak a peek or get you under his spell."

"Well I doubt that, he isn't Force sensitive at all, I would have felt that−"

"I don't mean a literal spell, Quix." Kira interrupted with a half-hearted laugh. "I'm talking about him trying to flirt with you. If he's still giving you trouble, just flat out say it."

"I, uh, well, he just sort of took care of me when I was out for a little while, and all," there I went, stumbling again, "and I woke up, and I told him I felt alright, and he said that he owed me one for saving his life, which of course he doesn't, I was just doing my duty for the Resistance, and he leans in and says he'll do anything−"

"_Quix_." She firmly stated, with a little worry in her voice.

"−and I really wasn't thinking, and I just leaned in a little and bumped his head, and he laughed and we sort of just sat there for a moment and then he−"

"He kissed you?"

I hesitated again, but I nodded. "I...I just wanted to know what it felt like, that's all."

"There's nothing wrong with that."

"There isn't? But what about−"

"Trust me, you'll never have any fun in life if you stay awake during a council meeting or strictly adhere to the Jedi Code." She paused and sighed. "If you feel shameful for what you did, don't. It's natural to be curious. You've never been curious about it before?"

"The moment never presented itself." I shrugged and reached up to touch my wrapped shoulder and breastbone. My fingers trailed up to my neck, where his own were. "Everyone always saw me as soldier, Jedi, warrior, protector, shield, hero, and leader first. Then, if they managed to get through all of that, they saw maybe a semblance of a female. But no one really tried to... well, no one really bothered. I'm so small that some soldiers, having never met me, confuse me for a young boy, especially when my hair was shorter."

"There's nothing wrong with trying something new, but just be careful. Doc's... well, I can already tell that he's a smooth-talker, that he's played this game before many, many times. He's experienced and if you aren't careful, he'll play you like a sabaac card, discard it, and then draw a new card from the deck, without it even bothering him."

"So what should I do?"

"Just be aware. Perhaps you should distance yourself a little. If you aren't comfortable being alone with him, just tell Ibonar or I."

I nodded and ran a hand over my pulled back hair.

"Anyways, Ibonar and I will debrief you and Doc with the Resistance folks and Sedoru. We're going to be in the bigger tent. Meet us there in fifteen."

"Got it."

"See you then."


	2. The Sword

_**Author's Note**__: This will finish the Balmorra Arc. _

**THE SWORD**

* * *

"Okay, seriously? I honestly would prefer if you _didn't_ call me that, Doc."

"Come on sweetheart, it's a cute name."

"But it's a short joke also."

"But it's a cute short joke!"

I rolled my eyes and sighed, while folding my arms. "Okay, fine. If you call me... _that_, then I want to give you a dorky name."

"Doc works just fine for me, darlin'."

"Yeah, but everyone calls you that. If you are just going to stick with Doc, then please just stick with Quix, alright?"

"But Quixie the Pixie is just perfect!"

Doc laughed for a good few minutes while I stood trying not to laugh. It was actually quite the ironic name. But I... well, I had a reputation to uphold! I was teased enough as it was by some of the Resistance military here.

"I should have never told you about the Force."

"C'mon, you made it sound really fascinating... for the first few minutes. You made it sound a little less like magic mumbo-jumbo. I think it's perfect. Pixie's use magic. You're small. Small but mighty?"

"Tch." I shifted my weight from one leg to the other. "As I said, if you call me that one more time, I'll have to use some of that magic mumbo-jumbo, you know, to maybe dangle you a little over a cliff."

"I thought Jedi didn't believe in vengeance?"

"I'm more warrior than Jedi, Doc." My lips quirked into a smile. "Kira can be conniving, I hear, according to Ibonar."

"So maybe you're a warrior princess?"

"Just warrior, thank you. I'll save the royalty for the Alderaan Houses."

"What, you've never wanted to be a princess?"

"Of course not. That's probably the dumbest question I've ever heard you ask." I stated firmly. I shrugged and walked over to the med-bay tent's small table. "Let's just get this over with, nicknames and teasing aside, alright? We've got to meet the other two at eighteen-hundred hours."

"Alright then Quixie," he paused to enjoy the slight, momentary quirk of my lips. "Just sit down and I'll take a look at how your shoulder's healing up."

I sat down on top of the med table and began to swing my legs a little. I took off my brown, tattered robe and folded it neatly beside me. I wasn't wearing my heavy armor at the moment, but instead a washed out, worn brown shirt. I reached up and tugged at the shirt and slid it down my left shoulder. Doc walked to the table and moved my hand away in order to look for himself.

"How's it look, Doc?"

"Looks like it's going to heal up just fine. It's starting to scab up. But there's some bruising around the backside of your shoulder." He paused and I turned to look at him. He sighed.

I raised a brow. "What?"

"How come you didn't tell me that you've been hit here in this area recently?"

"I can't prevent getting slammed into a cliff side via the Force, mind you. Some of those Sith aren't the nicest of folks."

"Could've at least put some kolto on it, so you wouldn't have to deal with any extra pain."

"Told you, Quix Fix."

"You can't always do that. As I said, you could cause permanent damage."

"Trust me, Doc, I know my body. I've been hit enough to tell different wounds apart from each other."

"Look, who's the doctor here? _You_ or _me?_"

"As I said, _Doc, _I know my body. I know how far it can go. I didn't train for the better half of my childhood and youth to not know."

I saw him fold his arms, but his expression was difficult to discern.

"Are you really mad?" I asked him.

"You know it! You can't do that, Quix. It's my job to look after you soldiers. If all of a sudden you all stop coming in because of your 'Quix Fixes' then I'm out of a job."

"Oh, so this is about your job security?" I raised a brow and my lips twitched into a grin.

"Yeah, I guess it is, a little, but you seriously can't do that. Trust me. I've seen Jedi snap like twigs on the battlefield because they thought they could push their bodies past their limits."

"Alright, fine."

"Next time you get so much as a knee scrape or a sunburn, I want to look at it."

"Yeah, yeah, fine. I get it."

Doc and I ended our conversation as he focused on applying a little kolto salve to the bruised and previously wounded areas. He then gave my shoulder a new bandage wrap. I watched him closely and something very different and unexpected happened.

"Why are you blushing, Doc?"

"Eh? I don't know what you're talking about Quixie," he stated as he tightened the bandage, causing me to wince a little.

"I'm not _that_ blind, you know."

"I know you aren't. I've met enough Miraluka to know that."

"And how many have caught you blushing?"

"Only one."

I chuckled briefly. I then folded my legs and arms. I'll admit that in that moment I felt satisfied and proud. But then I began to think about the other time in the med-bay and the only way I could prevent myself from dwelling on it was by reciting Republic military doctrine. Meditating wouldn't help and would be too obvious.

This was ruined, however, when he began to apply the cool, smooth kolto salve on the back of my shoulder, over the bruises. He applied a little pressure and I clenched my hands. I didn't know exactly what he was doing, but all I could think of was Kira's warning: _don't let Doc put you under his spell._

Was Doc really somehow Force sensitive? Because his fingers over my skin felt too pleasant to not be connected with the healing powers of the Force. It drew a few shivers down my spine, especially as the pressure increased just enough to create a mixture of pain and pleasure. A low groan slipped from my mouth. I instantly reached up and covered my mouth. My cheeks burned.

Doc started to chuckle. "Well now look _who's_ blushing?"

"I'm not blushing, I'm not. Really, come on, don't kid yourself."

"I know what I heard and I know what I'm seeing."

"Well it wasn't what you thought it was." I told him with a frown. "And even if it was what you think it was...it was wrong of me−" I trailed off and tensed. I slid off the med-table and fixed my shirt and grabbed my robes. "Look, I can't have this conversation right now. It's not appropriate. Whatever you're doing, just stop it, alright? I have to stay focused."

"You'll be more focused if we actually talk about it, you know that, right?"

"Now's not the time. We're taking back the Arms Factory tonight. I can't be distracted... thinking about whatever you're doing. As I said, it's not appropriate, and I don't like being teased. So please just−"

"If that's what you want, then alright, I'll stop, Quix."

I sighed and frowned momentarily. I clutched my robes against my chest and fumbled with a loose strand of hair. "I'm... yes, please, that's what I want. I have to be focused. My mission is too serious."

He nodded and shrugged. "Well, I'll see you out there in a little bit."

I turned and began walking out of the med-bay tent. I glanced only once over my shoulder, to see him already back to his own task of organizing and gathering the necessary supplies we would need for infiltrating the arms factory. Before I left, I turned slightly and added, "Thanks for understanding and looking after me. I-I appreciate it."

"Of course, that's my job," he called out over his own shoulder.

Without saying anything else, I walked out of the tent.

ξ

"Congratulations on a job well done, you four. The Empire won't be settling here any longer. The Resistance has won." Warren Sedoru addressed to Ibonar, Kira, Doc, and I. "Other soldiers are gathering the prisoners of war, and we will negotiate with the Imperial Diplomatic Service to get some of our people back. And we received what we were looking for in regards to our even bigger goal of ending the Empire for good."

"Thank you Master Sedoru. We couldn't have done it without Doc," I admitted while scratching my neck.

"Yeah, maybe Doc has some actual use after all," Kira pointed out, which made me laugh.

"I think you'll be surprised of what ole Doc's capable of."

Ibonar folded his arms and gestured to Doc. "We could use a medic, you know, for our mission. Ever thought about traveling around with three Jedi?"

"That depends, d'ya mind if I wrap things up here?"

"Of course, do what you need to do." He turned to Kira. "We ought to pick up some more supplies while we're here."

Kira hesitated as she saw that I would be left with Doc. I shrugged and glanced very carefully at the outline of Doc, who left the conversation as soon as he received the okay, and busied almost immediately by helping the remaining wounded shoulders.

"Will you be alright, Quix?"

"I think I'm going to practice with the target drone for a little bit. I'll bring Doc to the shuttle when he's ready to go."

Kira and Ibonar nodded and then purchased a speeder to Bug Town. Before they hopped into the smaller version of a shuttle, they waved a temporary goodbye.

Once they were inside and up in the air, I turned and headed out of the small settlement towards the dormant training droids. I activated several of them and stood waiting as they came to life, one by one. I unsheathed my lightsaber and immediately charged towards it, saber blazing with green light. My slashes were direct and precise against the droids, with various parries and dodging on my own behalf, avoiding both blaster fire and the nick of vibro-swords. They certainly were not as violent and dangerous as the real thing, but they served as a decent enough challenge in mass numbers. Still, it didn't take much to be finished with the fight.

The point of a training droid wasn't to simulate battle perfectly, but instead for the individual to practice honing one's technique and aim. Plus, they were easy to reassemble once broken.

I repeatedly rebuilt and reset the training droids several times, till at least an hour or so passed. I switched between Shien and Shii-Cho, the defensive and the balanced, always to find different ways to refine and combine my skills for various situations.

Doc came to me while I was in the middle of battling a set of droids. Even after the small bit of dust settled, I still didn't notice him. I panted and could hardly hear the sound of footsteps behind me. I sensed him through the Force, but I did not address him. He would never know, either way. My canteen rested on top of a nearby jagged rock, and after re-sheathing my lightsaber, I walked over and grabbed the metal container in order to take a long drink. I poured a little water into my palm and then rubbed the cool water over my scorched neck. I was happy that my hair was still up, for the most part, as far as I could tell.

"That's pretty impressive."

I turned and meant to appear and sound surprised, but I sounded more annoyed than anything else. "Well, you have to be more than impressive in battle."

I heard him make a low sound of derision. "Yeah, guess so. Still, it's a pretty decent light show."

"Look," I began with one hand resting on my hip and the other rubbing my neck, "you're about to be traveling the galaxy with three Jedi. Maybe you'll get a taste of what a Jedi does in battle, what kind of decisions they have to make on the spot, and what kind of problems they go through during said battle. You call it a light show, I call it survival."

"You know I was just kidding right?"

"Well, _I'm_ being serious." I sighed and the hand on my neck dropped to my side. "My people were nearly exterminated by the Empire. The Jedi themselves nearly hit the brink, much like the Sith themselves prior to the invasion of Coruscant. I know you don't care much for any of this, the past's the past, I agree, but there's a reason why Jedi always have to be prepared and ready. The Sith will do whatever they can to destroy the Light. Even if there's just only one of us, that's still one saber burning brightly."

"I know, Quix. Anyways," he paused and gestured to the satchel at his side and the backpack slung over his back. "I'm ready whenever you are."

I nodded and I collected the other few items I could consider my own possessions: a satchel, my canteen, my master's lightsaber hilt that I carried with me but never used, a small stash of rations, and a blanket. Without saying anything else, we headed back to town and ordered a shuttle to Bug Town. While we waited, I sat across from him in the small speeder port with my arms folded across my chest, and my gaze leveled with his own, but in a meditative trance. I didn't want to hold a conversation in that moment and time. The sun began to rise over the distant mountain tops and sunrays spilled into the valley. The fight for the Arm's Factory took all afternoon and night, into the early morning.

The awkwardness of the situation began to slowly test my patience. The speeder-port droid announced that the arriving shuttle from Bug Town would be late for us both. I groaned. I rubbed the bridge of my nose and saw that Doc still watched me. A moment later, he burst into laughter. With a heavy, exasperated sigh, I uttered, "What's so funny, huh?"

There was a slight inflection of his lips that grew into a wide grin. "Just thinking, that's all."

"And just what are you thinking about?"

"I'm trying to calculate how long it'll take for me to go crazy with the three of you."

"We don't always have a stick up our asses, you know. Sometime's we'll actually crack a few jokes once and a while."

"What, are you trying to tell me that humor _isn't_ against your code? I thought humor could lead to the Dark Side."

"Only if said humor's _dark_."

"Oh yeah? Give me an example."

"Kira and I may have made a few coarse remarks about how Nal Hutta must have prime real estate. How about a villa right on the edge of the toxic lake, besides the stim factories, with all the riff raff and pond scum of the Hutt cartels..."

"If it's toxic you like, sweetheart, Bug Town has some toxicity issues and the wildlife's just a party and a half."

I smirked and rolled my shoulders against the back of my small seat. Silence fell upon us both, though the air was a little lighter between us. The tide changed faster than either of us could have expected.

"What's the bed-bay like?" Doc asked nonchalantly.

I raised a brow and wasn't sure if he was serious or not.

He cleared his throat. "You know I meant _med_-bay."

"Apparently you didn't. Your mind seems to be thinking elsewhere."

"C'mon Quixie, you know my door and my 'bed-bay' will always be open for you."

If I had eyes, let alone lashes, I would have blinked in conjunction with my jaw dropping a little. I was stunned by his outright boldness.

"_Excuse me?_"

"Another slip, that's all." He reassured. I couldn't discern if he was grinning or smirking. "I meant med-bay, seriously."

"Right. I'm _sure_ you did."

He paused and folded his arms across his chest. A low, dark chuckle filled the air. He leaned back in his own chair and stretched his longer legs out. "And what if I didn't? What would you say to that, beautiful?"

"I'd say you're already out of your mind."

"Maybe, maybe not. Who knows. I'm just throwing the offer out there. We don't have to mention it again. I know you don't like talking about that."

I unfolded my arms and leaned over into a hunched position, with one hands on my knee and the other propping up my chin. My robes opened slightly and the silver metal glimmered in the sunlight. It was getting hot with the brightness of the sun burning down on me. My face felt warm. My shoulders slouched and I relaxed a little. I still hesitated and contemplated whether or not I should tempt the idea, let alone his own fire.

"I...I uh, I don't know." I sighed. "Maybe... maybe I ought to talk about that."

"Well what about it?"

"I just... I've just heard some things, Doc, over the years with the Order. Attachment can hurt more than it can help someone, sometimes. The Order says it's a path to the Dark Side. For reproductive purposes, especially, a child can make it even more dangerous."

Doc laughed. For several good minutes. I didn't exactly understand, but he seemed to find something about what I said extremely hilarious. Even when he tried to respond, he kept laughing all over again, and he could hardly finish a sentence in this manner.

"Oh Quixie, no." He stressed the 'o' in no. "I'm not looking to be a father any time soon."

"But that's what coitus is for," I explained, "coitus is for having children, and with coitus comes a bond with the Force. Having coitus means having children, which means being inactive in the Order, which means forming multiple attachments that can potentially ruin said Jedi. It means the Order is down one sword, one shield, one warrior, one healer, one medic, one knowledge-seeker−do you see what I mean? We're already spread so thin. It's our job to protect everyone else."

"No, no, no, on the bit about sex being for kids. Whatever they taught you in your Order, that's wrong. People don't have sex for having kids. It's recreational. For relaxing. Decompressing. De-stressing. Sometimes it can be committal in an actual loving relationship or sometimes it can just be for the reasons I said before. It doesn't have to be this complicated thing that some people make it out to be. It doesn't have to be this deep, complex mess. Sex can just be casual."

"But that's," I wondered what the appropriate word could be, "silly, still. Coitus still creates a bond through the Force."

"Well, for me, there isn't any fancy bond." He paused, chuckled (he was getting a good laugh out of this), and shook his head while grinning. "And don't call it coitus, will you? Sex works just fine."

"Coitus is just the scientific term they used in the Order."

"They actually teach you about that?"

"Well, of course. I told you, attachment is a serious thing for a Jedi. It can't be taken lightly."

"So how do you describe your relationship with Ibonar and Kira?"  
"They're fellow Jedi of my Order. There's some bonds you can't avoid. Like the master-padawan bond. You can't prevent that. In a sense, the master is the surrogate parent of the student. Of course, not in every case... But their... relationship, I suppose, is none of my business."

"What did your Order say about casual sex?"

"They never discussed casual coitus."

"Sex. Just call it sex."

"Why don't you use the appropriate scientific term, as a doctor?"

"Because sometimes you have to take off the student of science hat and put on your normal folk hat. I'm a doctor and a man."

"You mean you use different terms in different situations."

"Correct." He paused. "Look, it doesn't have to be this big deal. Just think about it, alright? A noncommittal relationship."

I leaned a little ways away from him in order to sit upright again. I reached out through the Force and looked for the sincerity in his words. He sounded genuine. I knew he wasn't interested in something long term, something that meant commitment.

"I'll admit how I'm attracted to you."

"See? That's the first step towards fixing the problem and finding the solution. Admitting you have said problem."

"But as... ah, stated, I'm not as experienced as you, by far."

Through my Force Sight, I noticed his jaw flex in a manner I recognized and appreciated: a smile, not a grin.

"Sweetheart, beautiful, Quixie, Quix, Rina. Don't you think I've already figured that out and processed that?"

"But I'm... I'm not ready for coit−" I frowned and he placed a hand on my own. "−Sex." I finished.

"No attachments, right?"

"That would be most preferable."

"I understand that you're not there yet. Don't think it would be a good idea anyways for you to jump into that. We'll take it slow, sort of."

I thought about standing up and pacing, but I sat rooted to my chair. I blushed profusely. I reached up and covered the lower half of my face with my palm, whilst rubbing the bridge of my nose with two fingers. I felt the metal strip over my nose that connected the two eye-socket covers. "I just feel ridiculous." I uttered. "I've just never been touched in that way, never been spoken to in this manner. I just... I just can't get distracted."

"Well, honey, Doc'll make sure you're plenty focused. You think on it, alright?"

"I'll...think about it. Maybe meditate on it."

"Don't overanalyze the body. Think of it as two people crossing paths, hitting it off initially, and going from there."

"We've only known each other for a couple of months, I hardly know you, Doc, you hardly know me−We're just," I paused and felt around for something to touch in a moment such as this, where touch sometimes calmed me down, since the other senses could not. I found his forearm. "I don't know anything about this. It feels wrong to be taking something as serious as this so lightly."

"Well, one, the fact that we know so little about each other can be a good thing. Think on it. When you start to get to know someone, you get attached, right?"

"That's usually what happens."

"Well so we'll keep it professional for work, and if you decide to try this out, we'll keep it professional also. Doc'll take care of you, but he knows how to take care of himself, too."

"Alright... I'll think on it."

The shuttle arrived only a few minutes later onto the speeder pad and we boarded it with a couple of other passengers, who arrived last minute. It was a small, cramped room for traveling passengers, but Doc and I managed to find some space beside another Jedi, a male Twi'lek with the outline of long lekku, dressed in heavy, draping robes that I could only imagine were brutal in the Tatooine sun.

"Traveling to Bug Town?" I asked him.

"Yes, yes indeed. Delivering new readings on toxicity levels to headquarters. Need to see how wildlife is responding to the slow decline, hopefully."

"Ah, I see. How long have you been doing your research?"

"Only couple months. Been busy helping the Resistance retake Sobrik. Finally ours." He paused. "You Jedi who helped take Balmorran Arms Factory, yes?"

"My comrades and I did, yes."

"Yes, yes, very good news for Resistance. Make good strides to reclaiming planet after so long. Balmorra be with the Republic soon, you think so?"

"I hope things continue to go in that direction."

We exchanged names at that point.

"Oh! You padawan of Master Solverion, yes, correct? How is she?"

I sobered very quickly. I frowned and shook my head. "My master's no longer with us."

The Twi'lek's jaw clenched. "Oh, my apologies. That's correct. I remember hearing rumors about your promotion to knighthood. From work on Balmorra?"

"Yes." I curtly replied. I folded my legs and leaned back in the shuttle's seat for I was less interested in this conversation at this point. I didn't like talking about my master because I missed her so much. I missed her guidance. "As with all death, my master's intertwined with the Force."

"Yes, yes, very true." The shuttle sharply turned and the Twi'lek made a strangled noise of distaste. "Dislike shuttle rides, make me little queasy. Prefer ground travel."

I nodded. Doc told him to breathe evenly, which he did. He thanked Doc and then looked back towards me.

"Remember when you were young padawan, I do, on Tython. Fought well for someone so young. Balmorra difficult place to be sent as padawan, however."

"Oh yeah?" Doc chimed in. "When were you on Balmorra?"

"Four years ago."

"How old were you?"

"Eighteen."

"So you're twenty-two now?"

"I'll be twenty-two in a month."

"Where did the Order send you next?" The other Jedi asked.

"Alderaan for the other two years."

"Ah, the other war-torn planet."

I grunted a sound of agreement and knowing.

Now, as I look back on my life, after always hearing mention after mention of my time on Balmorra and Alderaan, I think of all the other various padawans who have been or who will be sent to ravaged, destroyed, toxic, war-torn planets like those two. I wonder about whether or not their lives will be sacrificed in the name of stopping the advance of the Sith or if they'll die as playthings in the hands of the Sith Empire's own apprentices and masters. I know that I likely would have died like so many other young padawans had I not had my physical strength on my side as well as my own added power from the Force. I consider myself fortunate. My survival on those front lines humbled me because of this.

I saw students of the Force torn down. Young and bright, but still not a match for the Sith or the other Imperials. I humbled myself before others after that because I realized just how easily life can end and the Force can begin. There may be no 'death' for the Jedi, but as a living creature who can be stripped of the Force, I feel the pain of losing a comrade, a friend, someone who I only recognized, but maybe never knew, someone I've never met before, but have heard of, or someone I'll never know or never meet.

So I didn't like talking about the past. I would have grown bitter ad it not been for Doc in the end.

When the shuttle arrived, we exchanged a quick, quiet goodbye and a "May the Force be with you," to the other Twi'lek Jedi, and we went our separate ways. Doc and I began to head to the other, much larger shuttle the orbital station in silence, which always ultimately unsettled him. Up ahead we saw that the shuttle had no arrived yet. We walked slow in order to let time stop.

"I had no idea you'd been on Balmorra before."

"It was so long ago." I shrugged. "I really don't like talking about it."

"You fought with the Resistance, didn't you?"

"Yes," I said sternly, with a small inflection of a warning. "But I was stationed inside of the Balmorran Arms Factory, with other Republic soldiers. If you knew anything about Grand Marshall Cheketta, you'd know why I don't like talking about it."

"I remember him. He commanded the secret Republic troops here. I was around four years ago on Balmorra too."

"More like troops to the slaughter," my hands tightened into fists. "That man had no idea how to hold off an invading army that was three times the size of his own. He didn't even fight on the frontlines. He had little idea about tactical strategy, offensive and defensive maneuvers, though let's be quite honest, a good defensive plan could have saved the Republic and Empire four years of a stalemate. He relied on the Jedi and his ego too much. We're nothing better or worse than the soldiers who carry a blaster, in my opinion. On the battlefield, a Jedi may have the Force, but I have seen gun-slinging blaster firing men and women who know what they're doing in their own trade and technique, and it's almost thrilling to watch them. My life has been saved by then before, not ust on Balmorra, but on Alderaan as well. We're equals. The Republic army is full of heroes.

"Cheketta ran away with two Jedi protecting him. Can you believe that? He retreated while the rest of us held the front line for the people who needed to be evacuated, soldiers, workers, civilians, families, children, the wounded, the sick, escaped slaves, Force-sensitives − all refugees who wanted to get out while they could, with this one chance. We had a couple of shuttles. You know what happened? He ordered for those shuttles to land with no cover fire, with no protection. They landed in a mine field, essentially. A trap set by Darth Lachris, the old governor of Balmorra, as I'm sure you know. The Empire used orbital strikes from their own cruisers and our own weapons, the ones they turned against us, and destroyed all but one shuttle, the one that was not as full and still grounded. The others were shot down, full, in the air. There was another much smaller shuttle, but guess who's that was?" I couldn't hear myself talking. I was angry and my voice quaked as I spoke, as if I was clenching and unclenching each word desperately. "The people couldn't retreat, but he decided that he would. I don't even know how those two Jedi could stand there protecting him up until a lone Sith found him. That Sith killed Cheketta and the two Jedi."

"I know this story, Quix."

"But do you know the stories of those who died? Do you? The men and women who fought to hold our position against the Empire? The ones who actually tried to save as many lives as possible? What about them? Who tells their story? They wouldn't leave the line. Hold the line, they said. Save as many lives as we can. I stood beside them, the only remaining Jedi in the arms factory. Do you know how hard it was to tell myself to not give into my fear and shove the other remaining soldiers onto the only shuttle that survived the bombardment, to get them out while there was still time? I couldn't. We had a line to hold. So many were shot down by the Sith and the Imperials. Eventually, those of us still standing and fighting knew that we either had to retreat or face death or imprisonment by the Imps. I ordered the four troopers to get out while I covered them while we all ran. We barely made it onto the already crammed shuttle to the orbital station."

"You went back to the Order after that?"

"Well, no, not immediately. I went with the other soldiers to the Republic's smaller satellite station that was about a thousand parsecs away from the planet. There, we received medical aide and I at least helped arrange for civilian refugees to get to another safe planet. I went back to Tython after that, to give a status report as well as receive my reassignment."

"They sent you to Alderaan then."

"Well, my master had joined the Force prior to the battle for the arms factory. I won't go into the specifics of how I know that, but I felt the moment she died and joined the Force, through the Force itself. She died on Alderaan." I paused, a moment or so of silence. I clasped my hands in front of me and exhaled. "The Council was worried about my mental health after losing my master and what had happened on Balmorra. I reassured them with the help of the surviving Republic soldiers whom I had fought besides, for they contacted them for their opinion. The Republic soldiers supported my case enough to get me recognized by the Republic Army. I have a couple of commendations that humble me, but I was just doing my job. The Council promoted me to the rank of knight and they sent me to Alderaan with the encouragement and request of the Republic Army. They wanted me to lead troops. I eventually accepted.

"I understand the Order's worries as a whole though. I meditated for a long time about what happened on Balmorra, because I was trying to reconcile the pain of losing so many lives, civilian and soldier. At first I did want vengeance to a degree, mostly upon the Sith, for taking my master and taking the lives of my comrades. It takes discipline to reign in those feelings, Doc."

"I don't know how you Jedi do it honestly."

"Sometimes I don't know either. It just happens."

"Are emotions really that dangerous for you all?"

"Extremely at times." I frowned. "Jedi aren't emotionless. That's a stereotype. You know we aren't. You've met three of us who can be very expressive." I stared off in the distance, loosening my use of Force Sight, just to fall into a little darkness. "You have to be careful in battle." I quietly added. "You have the adrenaline of combat but also the chance of making blind decisions. Had I ordered for those soldiers to return to the shuttle sooner, more lives would have been lost, as the line would have broken much quicker than it did. I also would have likely died. I owe those soldiers who held the line with me so much."

Doc placed a hand on my shoulder. It was the gesture between two people who had seen war and all its gorey details.

"I understand, Quix."

"I know you do."

"I still owe you one. For saving my own hide."

"Doc, that kiss was more than enough."

"I ought to take you out for dinner and drinks."

"Oh yeah? And when are we going to have the free time to do that?"

"We'll find a time, eventually. Just don't let me forget, alright? And don't you forget about it either."

I shrugged and his hand fell away from my shoulder.

"Alright, there's the shuttle. You ready to head off?"

I nodded and followed him up the ramp leading to the shuttle loading area. Once inside this much roomier shuttle that filled up faster than the other, Doc stretched out his legs and eventually fell asleep while I dozed off. The thrusters ignited with a strong burst of energy and then we were off, zooming through the atmosphere, up and up, until I no longer could see the surface of the planet due to clouds. My head rested against the metal plated wall and watched the sky fade into dark space. Soon enough, my dozing off fell into sleep after seventy-two hours of being awake.


	3. A Shield for Dreams

_**Author's Note**__: Some more PG-13 stuff goes on in this chapter, ie: a little sexuality._

* * *

**THE SHIELD**

I didn't go to Doc immediately the for the first couple of nights aboard the _Defender _as I imagined he would like to get settled in. There were logistics to worry about, including both reporting to the Jedi Council about the mission's progress and stocking up on supplies for Doc's med-bay as well as his own "desired ammunitions," which weren't necessary for him doing his job (because as he argued, if the three Jedi on the ship weren't going to spend the credits they received humbly, then he wanted to spend ours for us). His med-bay was very small and it also served as his own private quarters, as everyone's quarters were small as well.

"You have your ship's med-bay by the engine, of all things?" He had asked Ibonar on the tour of the _Defender_.

"It's not really a med-bay, but it'll have to do. We're tight on space. We're thankful to even have a ship for our own use."

But our new medic was more than what we imagined. He insisted on having more luxuries than what was standard fare available to both the Jedi and the Republic Army (again for the same reasons, he wanted to spend our credits for us if we weren't going to spend them).

"You really can't expect to get better rations. You realize that, right?" Kira had said to quell his whining.

"I tried to avoid getting used to them, actually."

"Maybe you'll like what we've got stored up from Tython." I had tried to turn the conversation away from becoming a mini-verbal spar between Kira and Doc.

"I doubt that. I've had enough rations from both the Republic and the Jedi. Honestly startin' to wonder if you guys have taste buds or not. Makes me curious if the Empire's got better sometimes."

I had rolled my eyes and walked away by that point. I had called out over my shoulder while walking up the stairs to the main level of the ship, "Probably don't and you know it."

"Guess you've gotta make sacrifices when you've got the galaxy at your fingertips."

Eventually we settled into an adjusted routine, as we had to include Doc now, including times for using the fresher to get cleaned up in the morning and who had to sit and keep watch at the helm. We ate rations for breakfast and dinner, though sometimes for dinner as well. This varied, as occasionally Doc would offer to cook in order to have something other than rations. No one grumbled and we discovered that Doc wasn't that bad of a cook, despite initial fears. Over the course of knowing Doc these past years, it only took about two meals made by him for the three Jedi to change their habits and to instead eat something other than rations for dinner and occasionally breakfast.

The first week of travel from Balmorra to Hoth was a test to my resilience and endurance against my curiosity. My ability to resist Doc's offer became a challenge that I failed. On the fourth night of our travel with him, Doc cooked and we ate in the common room area of the ship on the main level. Ibonar and I were discussing lightsaber techniques while Kira browsed the HOLOnet on her datapad. During dinner Doc mentioned that he wanted to do physical exams on the three of us in order to get a baseline medical file started. He said it seriously enough that none of found fault with it. Kira and Ibonar would stop by in the morning and I would come later in the afternoon.

My conversation with Ibonar ended as the night waned on, long after Kira herself had decided to go to bed. I, however, fell asleep on the small couch for about an hour or so. I woke up in the middle of the night and felt half-exhausted and half-awake. I decided to wander down to the lower level, to my quarters, in order to try to get some adequate sleep. On the way I passed the refurbished med-bay in a dazed state. I peeked into the room and saw Doc hunched over his med-table, with the outline of his arms covering his face. He was asleep, as far as I could decipher without seeing the outline of his eyes. His breathing was even and regular, so I assumed that he was resting.

I stood in the doorway for a few moments. I wondered if I should help him get into a more comfortable position or just leave him. I decided that helping him wouldn't be appropriate. Without much else thought, I turned and was about to walk down the hall to my quarters, when I heard the shuffle of clothes, a yawn, and his voice.

"Did you need something Quix?"

I turned and saw him sitting upright with one hand holding onto the edge of the med-table and the other angled to prop up his chin.

"I'm heading to bed. I fell asleep up there on accident. I'm tired." I stretched and rolled my shoulders. My hand fell upon my left shoulder, squeezing the area through the cloth of my loose shirt.

"How's your shoulder feeling?"

"It's getting better. Doesn't hurt as much anymore."

"That's good to hear. If you need anymore bacta or kolto, let me know."

"I think I'll just let my body do the rest."

"Remember what I said though, if something doesn't feel right, you come and tell me, alright?"

I smiled at his earnest tone. "Of course, I remember."

He stood up and yawned once more before slowly sauntering towards me in his own groggy manner. He leaned against his doorway and looked down at me. Although he was taller, I knew that I was stronger. I craned my neck to meet his eye-level. Through the Force I felt a strong mixture of emotions, some of which I could not define. There was a subtle earthy smell that must have come from him; it suited him, in my opinion. He was only a finger's length away from my face. The swelling emotions stewing inside of him as well as the aroma allured me. He wasn't doing anything, simply leaning against the wall. Before I knew it, I leaned upwards and tentatively met his lips, though I did not apply pressure.

"I was wondering if whether or not you were going to take the opportunity and try again," he murmured against my lips before pulling my body against his own.

I felt something that I would later have defined as pure sensuality as his hand on my back trailed down my spine against the fabric until it slid underneath. His fingers were not as calloused and rough as my own, but they were just rough enough to contrast with the smoothness of my back. His lips, smooth and inviting, caught my lower lip and sucked. The sound that came out of my mouth ended up being the first of many moans to come. His other hand ran over my hair and found the clasp that held it up in a loose bun. It fell away, clattered to the metal floor with a loud noise, and then he brushed it and my scalp with his fingers. My red hair was quite long, according to Doc at a later moment, and I explained that it was because I never thought of cutting it, nor could I do it myself.

Doc pulled away for a moment, chuckled, and then clasped my hands with his own and stated, "Come on inside and I'll shut the door."

Our clasped hands caused me to stumble forward in my half-turned on, half-awake state.

"H-how are we doing this, Doc?" I asked as we stood beside the med-table.

"Cot or med-table, sweetheart?"

"I-uh, can a cot support, you know," I swallowed hard at the thought of the idea. "Both of us?"

"Probably not. Med-bay it is." His grin faded away into a much relaxed smile as he twirled a strand of my hair between his fingers. "This thing's a two-way street, Quix. Do you want to do this?"

"Yes." There was no moment's pause for hesitation. The rush of blood to my cheeks showed that I still was nervous. "No attachment, Doc. No strings. No worries. This has to stay professional."

"Do you trust me?"

"Yes."

"Then I should tell you upfront that Doc isn't a commitment kind of guy. Never been married, don't plan on being anytime soon. The other big component of my lack of attachment goes like this: you can't get jealous, Quix."

"What do you mean? Why would I get jealous?"

"Because Doc's going to still flirt and tease and do what he wants as the moments come up."

"You're saying you're going to have sex with other women too?"

"Correct."

For some reason, this initially bothered me. I narrowed my brows as I first processed this idea, but then decided that as uncomfortable as the idea made me, if I was going to do this, then I needed to not become jealous. My brows relaxed and I nodded.

"Okay, that's fine."

"You sure? Because here's how it's likely going to work: on the ship, Doc's solely available. On planet, Doc's less available, if not completely."

I actually laughed. "You do realize that as we progress further into this mission that there won't be the same amount of free time you exercised before?"

"Ole'Doc'll find a way."

I shrugged. This conversation was making my libido falter. "I won't become jealous, I promise." I paused. "In fact, don't become jealous of _me_ either."

His brow immediately quirked up. "Oh yeah?"

"You never know what might happen."

"Guess so, Doc's not a Jedi."

"Jedi can't look into the future."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Enough talk."

"Fine with me," I replied as I took his face in my hands and kissed him.

There was no hesitation, no pause, and no commitment of course, between our coupling this time. I was more comfortable with kissing, once a padawan now a master of it, and I returned his fervor with my own. My hands trailed through his hair while his own began to pull away the brown shirt I wore, until it was up and over my shoulders, and then discarded someplace else. The chill inside of the med-bay caught me off guard.

"Damn, Quix, this binding's _tight_." He addressed as his fingers moved down my sides. "Why do you have it so tight?"

"Breasts get in the way," I mentioned as we switched positions, with myself sitting atop his med-table and he standing in between my spread legs, "if you didn't know that."

What he did next surprised me and proved just how unpredictable he can be. He found one of my small, bound breasts and squeezed it. His mouth found the other one through the cloth. "I love it when breasts get in the way," he murmured against me.

"T-take it off," I encouraged.

"Ooo, demands already?"

"Just _do it_ Doc, it's too tight now."

"As you wish!"

Doc found the metal clasp in the back and took it apart with one hand. The white, strapless cloth was removed and replaced by his palm pressing into the right and the other being sucked on by the left. My fingers in his hair kept him close to my chest as a low, throaty moan spilled from my lips. The brush from his facial hair tickled my skin, and before I knew it, my legs wrapped under his arms and around his back. No one, besides a medic in a really professional setting had seen my breasts before, and perhaps only once or twice, given brutal wounds to my chest area.

I waited for the _Dark Side_ to curl up beside me and lurk, waiting to enclose around me, to suffocate me, and drag me to the other side. At the time it was a combination of fear and passionate sensuality that embraced me as Doc physically did, and though I found it silly later on, in the moment of our coupling, I expected to fall during or immediately after it. I was committing something extremely forbidden, something that, if I wasn't careful, could lead to the loss of one of the Jedi of the Light. This act was something that had for years been an abstract idea without shape or vision, but simply a sterile scientific definition that had no meaning.

Thus, in the years in which I traveled and got to know Doc, coitus became sex which became making love, and though it would always be a complex scientific idea in one reality, it became an intimate act between two living creatures for me. If kissing Doc was the beginning of my "damnation," then having sex with Doc was the moment I moved "away from the Light" and "into the Dark." These phrases themselves warranted abstract ideas that had no physical presence in reality, but had been powerful enough to push the idea out of my mind for twenty-one and a half years.

Obviously the Jedi would inevitably die out if children weren't made. However, as I later discovered, casual sex and making love especially formed a bond through the Force, a distinctly beautiful and detrimental one. Whether the physical bond lasted or died, the surreal bond remained, and would never wither or fade away. Unfortunately, as I later learned, the bond, attachment, really could be deadly enough to draw someone to the _Dark Side_, whether willingly or not.

After our casual sex on top of Doc's med-table, I was exhausted and ready to go to bed. While it had been one of the most amazing experiences of my life, it was also perhaps one of the most difficult, as some primal, primordial sensation rose through me and begged me to be sentimental. As I redressed myself in plain sight of Doc, we teased one another, and laughed, and as our eyes began to droop, we said a much quieter goodnight, see you tomorrow. He fell asleep the moment his body touched the cloth of his cot.

I slowly began to walk out of the med-bay, with too many different thoughts running in my head, most of which I couldn't process at the moment. I could still feel lingering sensations, though phantom ones now that the act was done. My fingers trailed across the small metal plating of his doorway, and I leaned there for one moment, perhaps a moment too long, as I started to want something that I wasn't allowed to want in this agreement: _the want of falling asleep in another's arms._ But I couldn't do that. Falling asleep in another's arms meant sentimentality, commitment, protecting one another against the night. A shield against nightmares, because the other was there.

As I stepped away from Doc's quarters and headed to my own, I wondered if the pain in my chest was from my shoulder wound or from my heart.


End file.
